The purpose in this post is more meaningful to me than it may be to some of you.. I have a tendency need to write out my thoughts or they get all jumbled up in my head and lost somewhere in my brain. Some of these thoughts I speak of are very important ones - like the one I am brainstorming on today. This is something I want to find a way to say to my church family someday. As for now, only one member of that family will read this... a lady who is becoming a very dear friend of mine - a beautiful girl who God has placed in my life.
As I continue to grow in my faith, I continue to realize new things. One realization I have come to is that I am in a very controversial situation - raising a child as a single parent. Many christians look down on people like me. Fortunately, the Lord has graced me. He has placed my family in a church of loving people who have accepted me despite the sin I have incurred. Rather than turning their heads to us, they have welcomed my daughter and I, making us feel so very loved. Each family has even given gifts to celebrate her life. I am in awe of how wonderful our Creator is and how much he loves a sinner like me. I am forever thankful to my church family - even more so to my Father.
Friday, April 25, 2008
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Thursday, April 17, 2008
decisions in parenting can be difficult.
Today Ava had her shots. She was given two shots, but was administered a total of seven vaccines today: Hepatitis B, Polio, Pneumococcal Disease, Diptheria, Tetanus, and Pertussis were given in two shots; Rotavirus was attempted orally. Ava does not take oral meds well and (as usual) emptied her tummy on the table while the nurse tried to finish off her dosage.
I am battling the decision of doing this to my daughter. It is such a common thing to be done, and I, coming from a long line of worldly perspective, feel it is a good thing to be done. It keeps the child from contracting very serious illnesses. It helps to build the immune system in the child. These are things I have heard and trusted to be true promoting childhood vaccinations. However, I have read some studies demoting these shots, but I am 1) not sure how credible they are and 2) not confident enough to make the decision against this idea. I know that there was mercury in some of the shots but I know, too, that this has been eradicated from most shots (including the ones at the Miami County Health Department). I also know that my daughter's doctor strongly supports vaccines and my insurance has a minimal amount of doctors to choose from - him being the best in my opinion. I am not ready to take my daughter out of the care of a professional who is educated to oversee her health. Another thought against ruling out vaccinations in Ava's life is that my future is unknown. I do not know if I will be able to homeschool her. My mother has said she would help. I may be able to have her help, but I can not expect her to do the job herself. She has two other daughters to school. Plus she takes care of all of us on top of this. This is too much for me to ask. Since I do not know if Ava can be homeschooled for sure or not (I really want to do this by the way), I believe I should vaccinate her so that she will be able to attend school. I know this is just something I have to put in God's hands. I do find contentment in putting my thoughts into words on paper (or keyboard!)!
I really want to make the right decisions for my daughter. I am still learning to trust God in all areas of my life. I need prayer! These confusions of mine are just a result of lack of preparation for childrearing - a consequence of conceiving a child before marriage and before gaining the wisdom to do so!
I believe everything is allowed to happen for a reason - Ava is here for a reason. I will learn the rights and wrongs, it will just take me some time. I just pray my daughter does not have to suffer for my past sin. I want to give her everything that is good. And I want her to have enough.
-------------------------------------------------
I know some of my views may seem extreme to some of you. I also know that my views may not seem extreme enough to others. My views are forever changing. What I think one day changes a few after - and that is growth. That is what I desire. So I am happy that I am forever changing my mind! From my choice of parenting style, to my economic beliefs, to social beliefs and beyond, no one will ever completely agree with me - as will no one completely agree with anyone in every area of life. We all see things a little bit different. There is a group of people who see things more alike though, and I am leaning toward becoming a person that falls into that category - the category of true believers in Christ. My new family.
--------------------------------------------------
You Need
Written by Courtney Marie Jones
For Ava Michelle
On April twelfth, Two-thousand and eight
I sit here in our chair
Rocking you to sleep.
I kiss your sweet mouth
As you sleep on my shoulder.
Your delicate face
In the direction of mine.
You sleep best
When in my arms.
And I am reminded
Of how much you need.
You need me to hold you.
To teach you.
To kiss you.
To feed you.
To play with you.
To clean you.
To love you.
To cling to you.
To touch you.
To speak to you.
To hug you.
To lead you.
I will protect you
All the days of my life.
I will do my best
To give you enough
For each day of yours.
May God grant me
The wisdom to do so
So that you may not go
A day without what you need.
I am battling the decision of doing this to my daughter. It is such a common thing to be done, and I, coming from a long line of worldly perspective, feel it is a good thing to be done. It keeps the child from contracting very serious illnesses. It helps to build the immune system in the child. These are things I have heard and trusted to be true promoting childhood vaccinations. However, I have read some studies demoting these shots, but I am 1) not sure how credible they are and 2) not confident enough to make the decision against this idea. I know that there was mercury in some of the shots but I know, too, that this has been eradicated from most shots (including the ones at the Miami County Health Department). I also know that my daughter's doctor strongly supports vaccines and my insurance has a minimal amount of doctors to choose from - him being the best in my opinion. I am not ready to take my daughter out of the care of a professional who is educated to oversee her health. Another thought against ruling out vaccinations in Ava's life is that my future is unknown. I do not know if I will be able to homeschool her. My mother has said she would help. I may be able to have her help, but I can not expect her to do the job herself. She has two other daughters to school. Plus she takes care of all of us on top of this. This is too much for me to ask. Since I do not know if Ava can be homeschooled for sure or not (I really want to do this by the way), I believe I should vaccinate her so that she will be able to attend school. I know this is just something I have to put in God's hands. I do find contentment in putting my thoughts into words on paper (or keyboard!)!
I really want to make the right decisions for my daughter. I am still learning to trust God in all areas of my life. I need prayer! These confusions of mine are just a result of lack of preparation for childrearing - a consequence of conceiving a child before marriage and before gaining the wisdom to do so!
I believe everything is allowed to happen for a reason - Ava is here for a reason. I will learn the rights and wrongs, it will just take me some time. I just pray my daughter does not have to suffer for my past sin. I want to give her everything that is good. And I want her to have enough.
-------------------------------------------------
I know some of my views may seem extreme to some of you. I also know that my views may not seem extreme enough to others. My views are forever changing. What I think one day changes a few after - and that is growth. That is what I desire. So I am happy that I am forever changing my mind! From my choice of parenting style, to my economic beliefs, to social beliefs and beyond, no one will ever completely agree with me - as will no one completely agree with anyone in every area of life. We all see things a little bit different. There is a group of people who see things more alike though, and I am leaning toward becoming a person that falls into that category - the category of true believers in Christ. My new family.
--------------------------------------------------
You Need
Written by Courtney Marie Jones
For Ava Michelle
On April twelfth, Two-thousand and eight
I sit here in our chair
Rocking you to sleep.
I kiss your sweet mouth
As you sleep on my shoulder.
Your delicate face
In the direction of mine.
You sleep best
When in my arms.
And I am reminded
Of how much you need.
You need me to hold you.
To teach you.
To kiss you.
To feed you.
To play with you.
To clean you.
To love you.
To cling to you.
To touch you.
To speak to you.
To hug you.
To lead you.
I will protect you
All the days of my life.
I will do my best
To give you enough
For each day of yours.
May God grant me
The wisdom to do so
So that you may not go
A day without what you need.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
a new beginning.. with purpose. (this is possibly the longest post ever).
Today I begin something new.
Today I begin this blog!
I hope that these writings will entertain those of you in our lives - near and far - who wish to read about the occurrences in our lives!
I am excited to begin blogging again. Please bare with me as I am used to another site for journaling and am still getting used to all the options on this page!
My Testimony:
First of all, I want to share with all of you (some have heard this story before) that I believe my daughter (although conceived in sin) was allowed to come into this place for many wonderful reasons. However, I think you all will be pleased to know this reason in particular that I believe she was brought here:
As many of you know, I have struggled with eating issues for several years now on-and-off. I had been through several types of counseling - none had a positive effect on me (some actually allowing me to fall deeper into my sickness). I was killing myself and refused to care. I did not care who was affected by it, as long as I was happy - and I was! Or so I thought. I was happy because I was accepted by people. See, I not only was stuck in a disorder, but also a lifestyle. I spent a lot of time partying. I will not go into the depths of this as I am sure some young eyes will come across this and I do not want to plant these things in their heads. The people I associated with did not accept me for who I was then. They wanted to be my "friends" so they could have someone to do these things with. These activities are very social activities. I ended up in trouble with the law. This stopped me from doing some of these things but not all. I still continued making myself sick. At this point in time I was basically a walking skeleton (who still thought she had a few pounds to lose). So here I was, finding happiness in a world of darkness. A world that was slowly killing me. And that darkness can be fun. For a short time. It always catches up with you though.
Then one day I woke up and decided that I didn't want do do these things anymore. I quit the "activities" but weaned myself into getting into a regular eating pattern again. It only took me a couple weeks. I just felt different. I had not accepted the Lord Jesus Christ as my savior at this point in time. He was working in me I believe due to the prayers of those around me for me and also because of God's will for my life, not because of anything I had done or requested.
Then a couple months later, I decided to take a test. A test of whether or not there was life growing inside of me. A pregnancy test. And lo and behold, there was! I committed myself to taking care of my body from that point on and had.
So I stopped doing these things that were killing me, but I was still dying. I still had not accepted God and what he had done for me. So, He allowed for something else to happen to me. I was stricken with parasites. Scabies. There is NOTHING worse that can be cured than this problem. And there is NOTHING worse than that than being PREGNANT with it! I had to get rid of it before having my daughter! I would not have been able to face myself if I had given birth and given this to my daughter - or worse, not been able to take care of her at all until I was rid of it! I was frustrated for a couple months as I kept battling it. It would go away for a few weeks then come back. A few days. Back. I was in and out of the doctor and finally they quit seeing me. They wouldn't treat me because I had put so much on my skin. I was in tears over this. EVERY DAY. I did more laundry during this point in time than I have in my whole life probably. I remember standing in the basement by the washer, pulling clothes out and putting them in the dryer, sobbing, saying, "God, I will live for you. My live is yours. Please take this away from me and keep my daughter safe." There was a risk, too, of the medication on a fetus (although the risk is generally in the first trimester and I was in my third).
After that day, things began to change. Without my effort, even! My scabies cleared up (apparently I hadn't had it for a while and was dealing with post-scabies - a condition from all the pesticides I put on my skin to rid them - for a while). My attitude began to change at home and especially toward people at church who were trying to reach out to me. I easily gave up my old life (although I had before I had still the thoughts of going back into it after giving birth). I began to seek Christ.
Then Ava was born. The moment she was born I fell in love. I saw her and I was hers. Then God really moved in me. I was so excited to be a mom before she came. Then I was just in awe. Awe of his wonderfulness. Awe of how he could create such a beautiful being. Awe of how he could keep this child safe from all the harm that I could have put her through. In awe of the fact that she was so healthy! And I was in awe that he could allow a life to grow in something that was lacking it so much!
And over the past few months I have grown even more! I am confident in my walk with Him and am thankful for every little thing he had done for me - from my family taking us in to the changes I see in Sean. And for Ava. She is such a little blessing!
And the updates shall begin...
Ava is amazing - as we all know... but she is also amazing in health! She was 12 lbs at her 2 month visit and she is approaching her three month birthday! She is still exclusively breastfeeding. She REFUSES to take a bottle and is learning that when Mommy is gone, Ava does not eat. It works well for my two hour shifts cleaning at the YMCA (newest job), but I am nervous about when I start working nights from 6 until 9 or 10! She does go 4-6 hours at night without feedings (and only wakes long enough to fill her tummy an then goes right back to sleep)! I get so much sleep. I am extremely blessed to have such a content and cooperative baby! She is becoming very friendly, too! The doctor prescribed her a liquid vitiamin D supplement but she will not keep it down. I tried it and I totally understand why. It is some nasty stuff. I spoke with him about this and he said it is fine and since it is getting to be more sunny out I can just put her in the sun for 30 minutes a week and she will get enough of the vitamin that way. Phew!
She loves everybody! Ava's favorite person, of course, is Mommy. The world is a happy place to her and if we were to tell her otherwise she probably would laugh at us for our perspective. She loves to play games like "rolly-rolly (we roll her from side to side, saying rolly-rolly)," stand or sit up (we hold her hands and she literally pulls herself up onto her feet - so strong!), and Pop Goes the Weasel (although this one is becoming played out)! She also goes on walks with Aunt Kennedi! She actually picks up her feet and walks across the floor while Kennedi holds onto her by her arms!
The only bad report I have is that she has her 2 month shots tomorrow morning. I am super nervous about it, but Sean is coming so maybe I can get him to hold her down for me!
As far as I go, I am doing great. Postpartum life is not at all what people have told me it would be. I have heard I would be sleep deprived, moody, depressed, etc... I am none of the above and have not been since meeting my little angel.
I only work a maximum of 8 hours a wek right now because I have been laid off from one job (serving) and the other job doesn't require much time. Plus, I desperately desire to be a stay-at-home-mom for Ava. I am doing the closest I can.
Ava is awake so I must go. Bye for now!
<3>
and Ava!
Today I begin this blog!
I hope that these writings will entertain those of you in our lives - near and far - who wish to read about the occurrences in our lives!
I am excited to begin blogging again. Please bare with me as I am used to another site for journaling and am still getting used to all the options on this page!
My Testimony:
First of all, I want to share with all of you (some have heard this story before) that I believe my daughter (although conceived in sin) was allowed to come into this place for many wonderful reasons. However, I think you all will be pleased to know this reason in particular that I believe she was brought here:
As many of you know, I have struggled with eating issues for several years now on-and-off. I had been through several types of counseling - none had a positive effect on me (some actually allowing me to fall deeper into my sickness). I was killing myself and refused to care. I did not care who was affected by it, as long as I was happy - and I was! Or so I thought. I was happy because I was accepted by people. See, I not only was stuck in a disorder, but also a lifestyle. I spent a lot of time partying. I will not go into the depths of this as I am sure some young eyes will come across this and I do not want to plant these things in their heads. The people I associated with did not accept me for who I was then. They wanted to be my "friends" so they could have someone to do these things with. These activities are very social activities. I ended up in trouble with the law. This stopped me from doing some of these things but not all. I still continued making myself sick. At this point in time I was basically a walking skeleton (who still thought she had a few pounds to lose). So here I was, finding happiness in a world of darkness. A world that was slowly killing me. And that darkness can be fun. For a short time. It always catches up with you though.
Then one day I woke up and decided that I didn't want do do these things anymore. I quit the "activities" but weaned myself into getting into a regular eating pattern again. It only took me a couple weeks. I just felt different. I had not accepted the Lord Jesus Christ as my savior at this point in time. He was working in me I believe due to the prayers of those around me for me and also because of God's will for my life, not because of anything I had done or requested.
Then a couple months later, I decided to take a test. A test of whether or not there was life growing inside of me. A pregnancy test. And lo and behold, there was! I committed myself to taking care of my body from that point on and had.
So I stopped doing these things that were killing me, but I was still dying. I still had not accepted God and what he had done for me. So, He allowed for something else to happen to me. I was stricken with parasites. Scabies. There is NOTHING worse that can be cured than this problem. And there is NOTHING worse than that than being PREGNANT with it! I had to get rid of it before having my daughter! I would not have been able to face myself if I had given birth and given this to my daughter - or worse, not been able to take care of her at all until I was rid of it! I was frustrated for a couple months as I kept battling it. It would go away for a few weeks then come back. A few days. Back. I was in and out of the doctor and finally they quit seeing me. They wouldn't treat me because I had put so much on my skin. I was in tears over this. EVERY DAY. I did more laundry during this point in time than I have in my whole life probably. I remember standing in the basement by the washer, pulling clothes out and putting them in the dryer, sobbing, saying, "God, I will live for you. My live is yours. Please take this away from me and keep my daughter safe." There was a risk, too, of the medication on a fetus (although the risk is generally in the first trimester and I was in my third).
After that day, things began to change. Without my effort, even! My scabies cleared up (apparently I hadn't had it for a while and was dealing with post-scabies - a condition from all the pesticides I put on my skin to rid them - for a while). My attitude began to change at home and especially toward people at church who were trying to reach out to me. I easily gave up my old life (although I had before I had still the thoughts of going back into it after giving birth). I began to seek Christ.
Then Ava was born. The moment she was born I fell in love. I saw her and I was hers. Then God really moved in me. I was so excited to be a mom before she came. Then I was just in awe. Awe of his wonderfulness. Awe of how he could create such a beautiful being. Awe of how he could keep this child safe from all the harm that I could have put her through. In awe of the fact that she was so healthy! And I was in awe that he could allow a life to grow in something that was lacking it so much!
And over the past few months I have grown even more! I am confident in my walk with Him and am thankful for every little thing he had done for me - from my family taking us in to the changes I see in Sean. And for Ava. She is such a little blessing!
And the updates shall begin...
Ava is amazing - as we all know... but she is also amazing in health! She was 12 lbs at her 2 month visit and she is approaching her three month birthday! She is still exclusively breastfeeding. She REFUSES to take a bottle and is learning that when Mommy is gone, Ava does not eat. It works well for my two hour shifts cleaning at the YMCA (newest job), but I am nervous about when I start working nights from 6 until 9 or 10! She does go 4-6 hours at night without feedings (and only wakes long enough to fill her tummy an then goes right back to sleep)! I get so much sleep. I am extremely blessed to have such a content and cooperative baby! She is becoming very friendly, too! The doctor prescribed her a liquid vitiamin D supplement but she will not keep it down. I tried it and I totally understand why. It is some nasty stuff. I spoke with him about this and he said it is fine and since it is getting to be more sunny out I can just put her in the sun for 30 minutes a week and she will get enough of the vitamin that way. Phew!
She loves everybody! Ava's favorite person, of course, is Mommy. The world is a happy place to her and if we were to tell her otherwise she probably would laugh at us for our perspective. She loves to play games like "rolly-rolly (we roll her from side to side, saying rolly-rolly)," stand or sit up (we hold her hands and she literally pulls herself up onto her feet - so strong!), and Pop Goes the Weasel (although this one is becoming played out)! She also goes on walks with Aunt Kennedi! She actually picks up her feet and walks across the floor while Kennedi holds onto her by her arms!
The only bad report I have is that she has her 2 month shots tomorrow morning. I am super nervous about it, but Sean is coming so maybe I can get him to hold her down for me!
As far as I go, I am doing great. Postpartum life is not at all what people have told me it would be. I have heard I would be sleep deprived, moody, depressed, etc... I am none of the above and have not been since meeting my little angel.
I only work a maximum of 8 hours a wek right now because I have been laid off from one job (serving) and the other job doesn't require much time. Plus, I desperately desire to be a stay-at-home-mom for Ava. I am doing the closest I can.
Ava is awake so I must go. Bye for now!
<3>
and Ava!
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